i miss you and i've never spent the night with you... 

I miss the way you would hold me...  The way your lips would caress my neck all night long. 

The way your voice would whisper all sweet nothings in my ear.  And i wreck my brain trying to figure out what it is that you would say... 

i miss what the warmth of your body would feel like when pressed against my own... the soft sensation of your arms wrapped around my small body.  Fitting perfectly the way we would lay... if we layed together all night long.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night to what my eyes would probably never get used to seing, in ways i would probably never get used to being... undressed and aching to feel you inside of me again... (wondering if that's the way that it would happen anyway).

i miss the things you haven't done.  i miss you the way i haven't felt yet.  I miss you when my phone doesnt' ring and when i go hours without seing you.  I miss you when you're close to me but i know you're gonna leave.

i dont' even know you... i haven't been with you.  but i miss you.

i miss you like i've known you all my life, but haven't seen you in years.  waking up every hour of the night, looking, searching, wondering why you're not here... with me.

and my heart aches when i don't see you, or hear from you, or late at night when i'm alone.  and it aches when i tell you to leave, or stay away, or dont' answer my phone. 

and then i miss you some more...

I've been sleeping by myself since the sand slipped through my fingers.  I clutched my fist so tight i lost it all.  But that bed has never felt that cold and empty... since the minute i saw you walking through my door.  I sat next to you only a few minutes, when i realized your arms would drown my soul.  And i can't go without your face a single minute, running through the spheres in my mind.  I wanted you to stay and hold me all night long, to kill the monsters i've been trying to hide.  and when i saw you walk away my heart sunk low, my spirit cried to you and you returned.  I savored the pureness in the wetness of your lips, and  favored every touch your hands have since then traced.  your words are poisoning the sanity in my grip, and my reality and my truth i have misplaced.  Your voice is saved along with all you say, your sound is a whisper i could not mistake.  your smile can hold me captive when i want to run away, your glorious eyes are the piercing sacred passion from which i can't stray...

i miss you so damn much...  i need you to hold me-

(you're driving me crazy my 'yummy baby')*

heeeeyyy!!! i'm back and ready to take over- AGAIN.. lol!   nah seriously... I'm back in many ways. I came back in to the Corps.  I'm still a CPL but my score and date of rank are now the day i "re-enlisted".  Which  suckx. but not  that bad since i'm a Cook now... and the scores are pretty low, so expect me to be a SGT by the end of the year.  Anyway... I'm OJT (On The Job Trainning) at the messhall... I LOVE this place! Cooks are crazy.. just my kind of people. lol Now i'm on the range.  My MSGT wants me to pick up SGT soon.  I'm trying to go on an MSSG (on ship).  I"m so excited.  I was all depressed when they told me i was gonna be a cook... but i'm LOVING it!!

Anyway,  I'm on the range... like i said earlier.  Damn! I'm not even SCRRD 'bout it or nut'n!!  I'm actually anxious. I want to start shooting already and shshshsh- 

Also.. the baby is soooooOoo beautiful.  He's doing cute ass shit!  like trying to talk... but he talks and says whatever, and then thinks is cute and people just gonna laugh cause he said it!  oh! and he laughs loud as hell... like he has no sense of voice control or nothing!!  he runs around and hits me and hits himself, and hits everyone... it's crazy.  Cute as hell.. but crazy!

Well, that's it for now.  I'm on duty...  I've been trying to read RRRRbody's blog but i'm on a GOv computer.  AND IT'S SLOW AS HELL!!!!

TAKE CARE... GOTTA GO-MY 'SECRET BOYFRIEND' CAME TO SEE ME_ LOL

8:59 pm.  The time is gonna change tonight, and the clock will rotate two hours back.  I guess i can get two hours of my life i've already lost.    But the way i live my life, it might as well be another lost... 

About me, there's nothing new.   I'm just going to bartender school cause that's waht i've wanted to do for a really long time... be a bartender.  I enjoy the work, the people, the atmosphere and of course, the money.  And though i want to be in the industry, i really don't care much about the drinking and going out and partying... anymore. 

Maybe i've gotten used to this.  Going to work, then school, then home.   The same everyday.  The same over and over. 

Ah, whatever.  I dont' feel like typing much.  What I feel is lonely.

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;     Ralph Waldo Emerson

Someone (CWO4 Swainson) once told me that life is a problem after another.  That the best you become at solving those problems the easier life will get... (not his EXACT words- when he said it it was well put together).  He used it in a content of motivational words that made me realize my life wasn't falling apart as bad as i thougth.  As a matter of fact, it was only making me a much bigger and better person than most people my age.  Now this blog is dedicated to those that in part, also made me wiser... and thankful to have met you.  Whether we stay in touch or not, whether we fight between us and decide our pride and our opinions on how to live our lives are richer and stronger than what we have been through together... This one's for you all.  I might not have said it, but i'll say it now...  I'm always thinking of you*

Jen:  You are so special to me.  People don't understand who you really are and might be blinded by their own ignorance.  The way you were there for me and with me-  irreplaceble!  No ONE knows all you put up with... (andother  people thought they had it bad)

JP:  for coming over all those nights (dinner and a movie).  and all the EXTRA time when i stayed next to you.  I miss our time-

Gigi:  for all the phone calls and the songs you sang me!! i will always see your face when i hear "la vida es un carnival".

Kevin:  For helping me get back together during working hours.  ((I HATE DISBURSING!!))

Carol:  -my soulmate-  even with the distance.. how did you manage to carry my weight with me?!  MHUA!! (our secret kiss)

Adrian:  I LOVE YOU!  I still can't believe how close we have become.  And how you STILL look out for me.  (We're still getting married in 30 years)* ("Eyy mama, when you have time i need to talk to you"---that shit still scares me-LOL)

Gunny:  You're faith brought me through so many times.  SORRY i brought you so many worries-

CWO4 Swainson:  The most knowledegable officer i've ever 'met'.  The Officer that will defend that office with and how ever possible...  You're wonderfull.

1stSgt:  (my secret boyfriend)  The words you said to me during my NJP made me realize the depth of your trust and care.  I thougt i was gonna lose it that day... Thanks for helping me see greatness when all was wrong in me.

Jody: (my babysitter)  You took care of my little angel like a mother when i didn't know any better.  Thanks for the formula, the clothes, the diapers, the time and dedication when i didn't have it...

Michael:  Because you tried-  (tears)*

Paul:  Because even though you ain't worth shit-  You have blessed me with the greatest gift of all**

Luis:  You have NEVER turned your back- even when I hurt YOU. (you show me what love is)*

Tiffany; Cedric: for all the laughs..

Gwen; I knwo you think i forgot to mention you... I"M SORRY.  You have always been so understanding and never judged!! i wish you the bestesest!!!!   oh yeah... and thanks for being my roommy-

and mainly... GOD.  Because you are the air i breathe.  the friends i've named the people that are true to me.  The people that didn't judge me, the words that kept me alive.  You are the hand that turns me to the right path - away from the darkness - when i don't know where i'm going.